Have you ever been asked who you looked up to? Or who your hero was? I have multiple times, actually just last week I was asked, as an ice breaker in class. My heroine is my baby cousin Madeline, who lost the battle to cancer. Evil Six Letter Word. She's our little princess up in heaven now, it still gives everyone a catch in their throats, you know, when you hear a name of someone you knew and loved, but they're gone now. I have a couple catches in my throat lately, my great aunt, and my great grandma, who recently passed away. But that will come at a later date.
My heroine is Madeline. She is one of the strongest 5 year old I've ever known.
But the person I looked up to was my cousin, 'Betty.' She was pretty cool to me, she had everything. Her family moved around a lot, so we never really got to see them too often. But she did have the coolest room set ups! It was neat seeing how she packed everything up and somehow fit it all in her next room.
One house was pretty cool, she had all her dolls on one shelf, one was named after her which was kinda neat. I was jealous. There were no dolls named after me when they were around then. It was a tiny room, right next to her younger brother's. I don't remember where her sisters room was, but that doesn't really matter right now. It was tiny but it was a girls dream room! It had shelves for dolls, room to sit and be a girl in! That's how awesome it was.
Her next room was more preteens. It had 98 degree posters, everything that was popular in the late 90's. It had Polly pocket, a big bed and a lot of mini little teenish decorations. I loved that room! It was my favorite room I think. It was long and whenever I went in it I felt like I actually could live in it. It was pretty cool.
The next room was when she moved more near me about six or seven years back. She lived on the first floor with her own bathroom, and if she shut the door she was completely closed off from the family. But it was a mess, I could never see the floor after the first week she moved in. I was sorely upset. But then I heard what happened.
Apparently after she graduated things started to go downhill in my opinion. I knew she was pretty cool. She was the one I looked up to when I was younger. She was the one I wanted to be. She had the perfect clothes, hair was always perfectly dyed, she had the best dolls, toys and she was so tall too! I wanted to be tall like her, get perfect marks like her, I wanted to BE her!
My perspective on her changed one day, we were at her house, some family party, Thanksgiving perhaps? When she kept disappearing during the party with a guy that was with her. A guy. Me being 13 didn't think much of it. She was a teenager, almost an adult in my mind, she could do whatever she wanted really. Me being an idiot when I got home I asked my folks what she was doing. They passed each other a look, the look she-doesn't-know-the-bad-news-should-we-tell-her kind of look. They spilled the news. Her life had begun to go down hill since High School.
She did a few things that I'm not even sure what they're called, drank and finally dropped out of college. DROPPED OUT. I'm never going to drop out for the reason that she did. She got pregnant. From some sleazeball that she's still seeing. Only Seeing. She's not even married yet. YET. She met this great guy when her baby was just born at work [Her little one is adorable, its not its fault for any of this] but she's treating him in such a way that they called off the wedding. I wish she'd stay with this new guy, he's the best thing that's ever happened to her.
Betty was someone that I looked up to, and right now I'm not sure what I think of her.
At the services this past weekend I saw everything stripped, everything that she was trying to cover. Her hate, her passion, everything that would have kept her together.
She was crying, I gave her what I had right then, we supported each other in that hug, there was nothing else we could do. She felt so small, my tall cousin, and she felt empty. Like there was nothing left after the service. I felt like she was gone and there was nothing left keeping her together but her clothes. If I let go she might have disappeared.
Everything that she said and did was a facade, fake, nothing was real. We don't actually know Betty, I don't think we ever will. I know I never will.
But that night when I first heard about what she was doing, she broke my heart.
After the service, she started to build it back up. She pulled down that wall for me, just for a second, then it was back up and I didn't see the fragile person inside of her anymore.
I'll never forget when she let me see the fragile person inside of her, it's the last memory I have of her being the person I looked up to.
Betty, I hope you know that I love you, but I wish you knew where you were going.
Love, Me
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