Killing Me

I'm sorry that I'm worried 

I'm sorry that I care 

I'm sorry that -

Wait, I'm not sorry 

I can't type the words that I want to say 

But if you look at me as I write this you would know 

But you can't see me tonight 

And you won't see me tonight 

Because you are too far away 

You're too far away from me 

Too far away in your thoughts about her 

And her 

And of course him 

And of course he's in my mind too 

The tears well in my eyes as I think about us 

The three of us so many years ago 

I picked us all up  

In the car I borrowed from my Dad 

Do you remember that spring afternoon? 

It was you and me and him 

Blowing bubbles in the cool spring air 

Not knowing what the next few years would bring 

You and I continuously called each other 

Saw plays together 

Watched the stars 

Played card games 

Planned our individual lives together 

Watched others fall apart 

Then rebuild 

He and I called each other when you weren't around 

We even went to dinner together once 

My girls night out date cancelled 

And he came to my rescue 

One of my favorite date nights still 

And will always be 

When the day came that changed our lives forever 

And I saw you a few days later 

You were a shell of yourself 

A absolute shell of yourself 

Not even a spark of your was left in your eyes 

I knew it would return 

Slowly 

But I knew that haunted look would never leave 

Unfortunately I hide mine behind my smile 

I'm writing this in real time 

And I should have written it a while ago 

The tears I thought had stopped 

The muffled memories I thought would stay hidden 

The folder where I tucked everything 

From the story in the paper 

To the card as a reminder 

To the few ticket stubs I found 

I thought they would stay there and keep me safe 

But I know that they won't stay hidden and quiet forever 

Like the tears that still appear in my eyes 

I know that you hide yourself in helping others 

By keeping mementos and dropping what you're doing quickly 

When you offer a ride to someone in need 

To sending things that don't belong to you to faraway places 

You like to fix things 

I wish I could fix you 

You can't see the haunted look in your eyes 

That will never go away 

You can't feel the soft hugs that you give 

And how they used to be so strong 

You can't see the pain that I can read on your face 

When you attempt to tell me a happy story 

You can't see 

But I can 

And It's killing me 

It's killing me that every time we ask 

You give us a different answer 

It's killing me that every time you throw a party 

You act like a different you 

It's killing me that I'm losing one of my best friends 

You might already know that 

The things you'll say to me when we're alone 

The stories that we share 

The tears that we spill 

The laughs that we have between the tears 

Those moments will always be yours and mine 

Yours and Mine Alone 

But I wish I could see more smiles 

Instead of tears 

I wish I could have tighter hugs that never let go 

Instead of ones that let go too early 

I wish I could have a little bit more of you 

Instead of the shell of you 

That you are silently becoming 

My dear, dear friend 

You know I love you dearly 

I tell you this almost every time I see you 

I may not say it, but I most certainly show it 

When you ask me for help on your homework

I try to help 

As we're heading to any of our shows 

I wish you well and a safe trip 

Each night as you lay sleeping 

I send a prayer your way 

Any day that shows any sign of joy 

I pray that more will find you soon 

I'm not sorry that I'm worried 

I'm not sorry that I care 

I'm not sorry that I love you, 

You'll forgive me some day