Dear My Dearest Darling Exes;

Dear Darling Exes,
I'm going to educate you about the difference in our sexes. You see, from the very beginning you've told me that you loved me, but my love would come with a fee. After wards, and I know this is true, you certainly got into trouble then, and right now, I no longer call you my good friend. Oh dearest dastardly heart, you really know how to pick the part. A foolish trick it did fall into once more, how you did burn me to the core! It was only a simple slip of the tongue, and with our laughter we did puncture our lungs! As it turned out she put you up to the tirade, all you wanted to do is (as I look at it now) get laid. A few later my heart mended once more, you happened to walk through the English department door. We had a friend in common, turns out she's now my best girl, but looking at you now, it only makes my hair curl. It started out nice and we were foolish and young, in class we covered for each other, often our minds went numb.  We were on again and off again, off again then on, If we didn't have curfews on the phone we'd probably stay up talking until the dawn.  Getting older and I suppose a little wiser I began to notice a few things, For instance that bracelet you made me, I think it started off as a ring! We broke up and that was that, don't forget, love, that I did help you get over your label of being 'fat.' You really weren't and that we both knew, I was still just one of the few. You told me to stop being a philosophical person, and after that remark, our relationship began to worsen. Fortunately you came along and (I wished) and righted the wrongs, alas I was wrong once more, my numbers were at four. You made matters worse and I was dragged to the office, and soon your enemies, once your friends, began to outnumber. I missed two others (and one I wish for all the best) which makes it at five, but this one did not last, but our friendship did not, like the rest, take a dive.  Last but not least, before I left the high school, I once more took the role of a fool. Admit it though it was all your fault, and into my open wounds you did throw salt. I ran to him when it was over, and began once again, looking for a four leaf clover. He told me, and I'll never forget, I must have sex to grow up, and I kicked him to show him I wasn't a small threat. He persisted and I never relented, and a bad situation is one that I circumvented. Entering college I met you dear ex, but now, as you know, I'm sending you yet another (mental) hex. You said that I wasn't sexy enough, too young! too bold, and I needed to loosen up, and to you that night I only said  'yup.' For I realized then, and I'll never forget, that to you I'll never owe such a debt. For if you'll remember I ran to you for help, you told me to grow up and look at some self-help. Baloney I cried, and cry I did, and of your presence I did forbid. Last but not least the only man that has been kind, for he is the one that stay true to Suess, and he really does not mind. He was there when I needed help, when I cried and when I laughed, and was still impressed when I told him I was on a ship and new the nautical term for aft! We skiied and shopped, and on that one night, my heart had stopped. For a moment at least, you know how kisses go, and as a nicname you called me a monster, you're beast! Like before I saw you in a different light, and like any other couple we started a huge fight. I'm on the market once more, and if you miss me, next friday call me at four. Of course you might interpret this the wrong way, which often happens every day, but I know what I miss, and its the best friend kind of wish. You know who you are, dearest ex and I do bid you good night, but don't worry, in my untangled mind, your memories when squashed, won't put up a fight.
Sincerely,
An ex-girl friend who can see clearly.