By: A friend of mine.
1) The driving instructor is always right until put in handcuffs and hauled away by a law enforcement office, in which case you are probably pretty screwed and should have picked a better driving instructor.
2) There is no such thing as a soft tree, telephone pole, guard rail, rock, car, etc. All aforementioned will cause extreme damage to said vehicle unless you have boat bumpers tied to your vehicle in which case have a blast.
3) When given the choice between killing your best friend and totaling your car or killing a squirrel, kill the fucking squirrel. There are millions of them in America alone I promise no one will miss one or two.
4) Nothing is illegal until you get caught! But if you are stupid enough to get caught you are probably going to go to jail and should make your one and only phone call to a good lawyer.
5) When driving in America remember we do not live in England and must drive on the right side of the road. Failing to do so will almost certainly get you arrested if not killed. But if you choose to drive like this you are probably a total ass and no one will miss you anyway.
6) Driving 25 mph down the highway with your blinker on and parking brake set is not recommended for any person. This may cause fire and hazard to other drivers. The elderly especially should take the hint.
7) When driving make sure to have a) a spare tire and b) a cell phone so you are able to fix a disabled vehicle or get help in doing so. This is especially true at 2 a.m. in the bad part of town unless of course you enjoy being robbed, r*ped, and possibly killed in which case you are totally screwed in the head.
8) Flirting or stripping for a law enforcement office does not necessarily aid you in getting out of a ticket and yelling obscenities at the said officer such as pig does not help either and may lead back to rule number one. But if your stupid enough to do this you'll get what you deserve in jail.
9) All signs, traffic lights, and laws in general do not necessarily apply unless a law enforcement officer is within eye shot and even then only if he is looking. It is best to distract the officer first by pointing out the local doughnut shop which is an officers favorite hangout.
10) A bigger vehicle always has the right of way even if it doesn't, unless of course you want your car to look eerily similar to a pancake. People are assholes and they don't give a rat's a$$ about you or your car.
11) It is almost always possible to think of a better excuse for an officer not to give you a ticket then the officer has for giving you one in the first place. Be careful though as this may lead to such an extreme story that the officer will assume you're high and arrest your sorry a$$.
12) Hitting an animal such as a deer, opossum, or raccoon will usually cause more damage to you and your vehicle then it is worth to hit said animal for the simple joy of a well played game of target practice. As fun as this may sound it is a very expensive game so make sure you have money to blow and/or really good insurance before proceeding. And having a jacked up truck with a ram guard never hurts either.
Please if you choose to ignore these warnings you are guaranteed to go to jail but you will most likely be killed before you can be arrested in which case the world is probably better off without you producing more dumb-a$$ drivers on the roadways.
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